I have been pondering this question the last few days as I am working on my 7th step.  It seems that the further you go along in the program, the more emphasis is placed on GOD being your higher power and not your “concept of a higher power” like they tell you in the beginning.  At first it is “fake it till you make it.” Then after awhile, that mantra slips away and you seem to be backed into a corner facing the God question.

Quite frankly, I think this is the point which serves as the fork in the road to many recovering alcoholics/addicts.  I was not raised religious and certainly was not religious in my drinking career.  So now I am supposed to use my sick brain and find God?  To me, that is exactly the same proposition that AA shuns–the intellectualizing of recovery.  Religion, to me, is your mind’s way of coping with things you cannot control and relying on the strength of a belief system based on the constructs of imaginative minds.  Isn’t that the same as me believing in MYSELF and praying to my intellectual self to find the strength to overcome obstacles?

I do believe in a spiritual nature of the universe and the connectivity of living things.  I take much inspiration in the intricacy and balance of it all and I am awestruck at the complexity of everything which surrounds me.  It is for this reason I dare not try to understand it too much, or for that matter, reduce such magnificence to a particular deity who communicated through one prophet or another two thousand years ago (or if you are Mormon, a couple hundred years ago).

That said, I really struggle with the notion going around AA now that the only way to true recovery is finding your HP.  That’s like the Scientologists striving to be Thetans.  Which is why I hear in almost every conversation talk about how AA is the only way path to recovery.  There are many statistics bandied about, but most put 1 year sobriety rates between 5-10% in AA.  That’s not a lot.  Critics of those statistics say, “but you have to work the program, find your higher power, etc.”  My point is, if you spend all your time looking for the holy grail in recovery, you will find less time to drink.

While I do enjoy going to meetings and sharing my experience while listening to others, I couldn’t possibly go every day like some people do.  It can be often incredibly depressing and a constant reminder of my past shit storms, which is maybe the point.  But I feel one need to focus on the positives just as much as rehashing the negatives.

Bottom line is that AA membership has been slowing and there is increasing talk about Addiction is a malady of the spiritual condition that no pill can restore.  There is truth to this, but only partial.  The medical field can assist the brain in recovery while the addict goes on a journey to discover him or herself.  AA can be a part of this journey like it is for me.  But to hear more anxious drumbeats coming from those in AA unwilling to believe in other methods, smells of cultish behavior seeing the writing on the wall.

I will continue my various forms of therapy, including the fellowship of AA.  But I will not be bullied into a belief system in the guise that it is the only way out.  If I am to discover God, that will be on my terms.

It has been a week since I moved back to my house after living in the sober house and it has been a very good transition.  While I could be doing more to stay out of my box and not revert back to old habits, I have been fairly productive and hit meetings when I could.  I also did get a chance to see my doctor and got a prescription for Naltrexone just in case.  I am a bit reluctant to fill it immediately just because I don’t necessarily want it to be a gateway to experimenting with the “Sinclair Method” of treatment.

While the Sinclair Method makes a lot of sense to me, I would rather be sober.  For that method to work, it is necessary to drink some.  Taking Naltrex and drinking is supposed to “extinguish” the pleasure center association with alcohol, which in turn has proven pretty successful in stopping binge/bender drinking.  It also has been shown to be more effective than taking Campral alone in relapse prevention.

Some good Sinclair/Naltrexone links

• The Paradoxical Sinclair Method For Treating Alcohol Dependence

• Naltrexone and the Sinclair method of pharmacological extinction

• Naltrexone and its Multiple Uses

So with that said, I am just plugging along, trying to keep busy, going to therapy & meetings and trying to stay connected with friends.  Things at work seem to be heating up as well which is good.  I need an outlet for my creative energies and some of my work is spinning off into other areas.  More work/opportunities=super good feelings for me.

Until next time….So be it.

Last night was the first night back home after 3 months in a sober house program and it feels great to be back. The last two months have been rough in the trifling house I lived in. While I am grateful for the program for being there, the particular house I lived for the last two of the three months really needs an overhaul. One guy in particular (young buck) I feel has lots of resentments and projects them upon others. To him, the world revolves around him and if you aren’t operating the way he likes, you are in his way. Lots of OCD issues as well. Bottom line is that he was a stressful, angry person to be around who never had one normal, social conversation with me. So it is wonderful to be clear of that debris and back to my own hovel

I am excited to be back, yet nervous. Nervous because it is around this time when my traditional relapses occurred. Now, I hope, things will be different and my awareness of my body much more acute. I do have some sober friends which I didn’t have in the past. I have a sponsor. I have a home group and various other meetings I go to. So, I feel I have the resources necessary to give me a better shot at sustaining sobriety and more importantly–serenity in the coming days, weeks, months, and life.

Well my time is up here at the sober house and I will be moving back home (by myself) this Thursday.  While I am excited about getting out of here and a couple of the irritating people residing here, I am a little apprehensive about the move.   I suppose maybe because I have past my 90 day mark and this has been the time when complacency, idleness, attitude and just plain boredom caused me to relapse in the past.  So what am I telling myself and doing for myself so this time will be “different?”

For starters, I do have a better feel for my body/mind than I did in the past.  I do know that there will be times of doubt, feelings of worthlessness, worries about the future, etc.  The key is to acknowledge them and try to change the subject and scenery to avoid “giving up.”  Another thing is to stay busy and stay connected with friends.  I have met a few cool people in the program and I need to make use of my phone when I am feeling off and do something positive and social with them. Also, I am going to continue to volunteer to stay busy.

Finally, I am going to keep up with my Campral schedule and seek out Naltrexone this week.  From what I have read, Campral and Naltrexone together has worked wonders for people.  At this point, I really need all the help I can get: lifestyle changes, therapy/AA and medication.  While Campral addresses the GABA issue in recovery, Naltrexone is supposed to work to negate the effect alcohol has on the pleasure center of the brain.   So if one has a slip in recovery, Naltrexone has been show to decrease the liklihood of having a full blown nasty relapse (like I have had).   There is a lot of controversy in AA about pills.  In fact I was at a meeting at Hazelden where they brought it up.

My take on that is that the “establishment” has a lot to lose if there is an effective medical treatment for alcoholism.  There is so much money being made, people employed and religion supported in recovery.  It is natural to fear something like this.  My take on it is that my concern is my recovery.  I am going to try everything to make it work.  This includes all modalities.  So I apologize to AA, but your argument that a pill is not a panacea leaves out an important part of the argument.  Meetings alone are not panaceas.  95% of people going to AA relapse in the first year.  So I do agree that there is not cure-all.  But maybe just maybe a combination of everything might be better than just one method.

So that’s my plan and I am sticking to it.  If anyone reading this had experience on Naltrexone, Campral or the combination–let me know.  This should be interesting